Trump Switches Golf Loyalty, White House Activates Cart-Based Continuity Plan
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Orders Peace Proposal Reviewed Under Newly Created Bombing Maybe Protocol
White House officials said the Iran plan would be judged on sincerity, font size, and whether it interferes with previously scheduled escalation.
Trump Raises Car Tariff Threat, White House Establishes Emergency Glovebox Court
Officials said the new process will determine which imported vehicles are “economically hostile” by checking whether they look expensive near Wisconsin.
Trump Activates Kentucky Senate Dropout Protocol, Endorses Barr With Emergency Siren
Officials said the request was voluntary, mandatory, and “decorative,” depending on which microphone was currently closest.
White House Declares Imported Décor Exempt From Tariff Patriotism Audit
Officials said the foreign-made items were not imports but “internationally sourced expressions of domestic strength.”
White House Ends Iran Hostilities By Mailing Congress A Diplomatic Receipt
Officials said the operation achieved “paper-based de-escalation” after Congress was successfully exposed to a letter-shaped outcome.
White House Declines Iran Comment, Deploys Emergency Silence Coordinator
Officials said the non-response had been reviewed by lawyers, laminated, and placed between tariffs and “supreme court vibes” on the president’s crisis shelf.
House Speaker Johnson Declares U.S. Not at War with Iran, Appoints Committee to Study ‘What War Even Is’
In related news, the Senate has begun a panel to define breathing.
Colorado Delegation Introduces Bill Declaring Wildfire “Not That Burned” After All
Measure would override president, FEMA, and basic visible reality using bold new standards for flames
Lithuania Eager To Join U.S. Strait Of Hormuz Mission, Still Looking For Boat
Officials say the Baltic nation is “fully prepared to defend global shipping, pending someone explaining where it is and how to get there.”