Iowa Democrats Issue Two Official Senate Visions, Both Require Bifocals
State party staff reportedly labeled the plans “electability” and “also electability, but laminated.”
Nebraska Treats Senate Poll As Load-Bearing Federal Infrastructure
A new memo classifies undecided voters as temporary public works projects until they choose a bumper sticker.
Senate Issues Talking Permit After Iran Threatens To Stop Talking
The new form must be stamped before any nation may pause diplomacy, resume diplomacy, or glare near diplomacy.
Beshear Endorsement Forces Kentucky Senate Race Into Paperwork Lockdown
Officials reportedly issued clipboards to undecided voters and asked them not to make eye contact with yard signs.
Maine Senate Campaigns Declare Margin Of Error A Third Candidate
Both parties agreed the statistical figure had the best favorability because it had not yet spoken at a diner.
Michigan Senate Poll Declares Itself Front-Runner, Demands Committee Seat
Campaigns now trail a spreadsheet with better name recognition and fewer restaurant opinions.
DFL Endorsement Triggers Statewide Laminating Protocol For Flanagan Senate Bid
The party reportedly prepared 14 backup podiums in case democracy requested a different font.
Congress Orders Texas Senate Polls Secured in Climate-Controlled Room
A House clerk reportedly labeled undecided voters as “liquid assets” and asked nobody to breathe near the crosstabs.
Trump Threatens Kennedy Center With Congress Until It Learns Branding
The proposed handoff would let the Senate rename the opera house by unanimous consent, or several televised lunches.
Alabama Schedules Special Primary After Map Successfully Completes Obstacle Course
The approved districts were issued tiny lanyards and warned not to wander into Congress.