Iowa Democrats Issue Two Official Senate Visions, Both Require Bifocals
State party staff reportedly labeled the plans “electability” and “also electability, but laminated.”
Beshear Endorsement Forces Kentucky Senate Race Into Paperwork Lockdown
Officials reportedly issued clipboards to undecided voters and asked them not to make eye contact with yard signs.
DFL Endorsement Triggers Statewide Laminating Protocol For Flanagan Senate Bid
The party reportedly prepared 14 backup podiums in case democracy requested a different font.
Skill Games Ask Supreme Court Whether Losing Primary Was Playable
Judges are expected to decide whether a losing campaign counts as a malfunction, a feature, or a lobbyist refund.
Congress Requests Ukraine Missiles Through Nation’s Most Complicated Office Printer
The new form reportedly requires three signatures, a court citation, and toner approval from a man named Doug.
Illinois Legislature Honors Durbin With Ceremonial 44-Year Roll Call
Clerks issued commemorative patience badges after the first 600 names were read into a microphone nobody adjusted.
Alabama Asks Justices To Approve Map With Built-In GOP Lane
State lawyers reportedly labeled the disputed district lines “heritage squiggles” and placed them in a velvet binder.
Senate Prepares Paxton Welcome Packet Printed Entirely On Trump Letterhead
The orientation binder reportedly contains a committee map, three loyalty tabs, and a tiny court clerk bell.
Senate Treats Canadian Tourism Expo As New NATO Front
Diplomats reportedly secured the booth map before asking whether China controlled the lanyards.
Senate Republicans Request Iran Deal Include More Familiar Explosions
A preliminary memo warned peace could disrupt several binders labeled “Necessary Sternness.”