Johnson Files Trump’s Iran Talks Under Congressional Miracle Procedure
The House reportedly printed commemorative breakthrough folders before anyone located the peace.
Senate GOP Parks Immigration Bill In Settlement Fund Coat Check
Clerks issued the proposal a numbered ticket and warned Trump not to validate it near the court.
Senate Advances Form Requiring Trump To Requisition Iran Hostilities
The chamber’s new policy would classify unauthorized escalation as a paperwork spill requiring immediate committee towels.
Senate Asked To Stop Glowering At China During Trump-Xi Meeting
A new peace memo warns that prolonged congressional squinting could be mistaken for foreign policy.
Senate Approves Trump’s Iran Deadline After Deadline Files For Extension
Lawmakers described the lapse as a scheduling detail, then asked the Supreme Court if time still counts during recess.
Congress Receives China Port Fee Plan, Immediately Misplaces the Harbor
A steel-backed trade push reached Capitol Hill, where lawmakers vowed to protect American industry by scheduling seven hearings and one ceremonial forklift.
U.S. Forms Emergency Line Committee After China Masters Tourism Brochure
Officials warned that America’s global influence may now depend on whether airport kiosks can stop asking visitors to “insert card again.”
Congress Opens Inquiry Into FIFA Congress For Impersonating Congress During World Cup
Lawmakers said the soccer body’s use of “Congress” created unacceptable brand confusion at a time when America’s own Congress was already struggling to locate itself.
Congressional Republicans Give Trump Iran War Performance Review, Demand Snack Timeline
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Declares Iran Matter “Administratively Over,” Congress Receives Decorative Deadline
The White House said lawmakers were fully consulted via “vibes, headlines, and one extremely confident folder.”