Iowa Democrats Issue Two Official Senate Visions, Both Require Bifocals
State party staff reportedly labeled the plans “electability” and “also electability, but laminated.”
Nebraska Treats Senate Poll As Load-Bearing Federal Infrastructure
A new memo classifies undecided voters as temporary public works projects until they choose a bumper sticker.
White House Creates Doubt Index After Trump Reassesses Putin’s Peace Interest
The new form reportedly asks staff to rate Kremlin sincerity from “maybe” to “please stop making us laminate this.”
U.S. Demands Self-Driving Cars Stop Letting China Merge
A new interagency memo classifies hesitation at four-way stops as a foreign policy vulnerability.
Senate Issues Talking Permit After Iran Threatens To Stop Talking
The new form must be stamped before any nation may pause diplomacy, resume diplomacy, or glare near diplomacy.
Supreme Court Declines Georgia PSC Case, State Prints Official Shrug Forms
Commission staff described the decision as a green light, then spent three hours locating the green light's rate schedule.
White House Drafts Octagon Protocol After Trump Calls Dana White Amazing
Aides reportedly classified the planned UFC visit as both a sporting event and a furniture threat.
White House Requires Cuban Aid To Pass Through Approved Collection Plate
A draft memo reportedly classifies rice, medicine, and soap as eligible for salvation-adjacent handling.
DFL Endorsement Triggers Statewide Laminating Protocol For Flanagan Senate Bid
The party reportedly prepared 14 backup podiums in case democracy requested a different font.
Congress Orders Texas Senate Polls Secured in Climate-Controlled Room
A House clerk reportedly labeled undecided voters as “liquid assets” and asked nobody to breathe near the crosstabs.