White House Establishes Vance Mockery Response Office After Leak
The new unit will determine whether each insult was strategic messaging, executive humor, or a personnel weather event.
White House Upgrades Trump’s Physical To Cabinet-Level Fitness Event
Staff were issued color-coded wellness lanyards after the doctor’s note achieved infrastructure status.
White House Weighs Bricklin Revival As Official Tariff Escape Vehicle
A fictional draft memo classifies gull-wing doors as “bilateral market access panels.”
Treasury Prepares Tiny Ribbon-Cutting For Reopened Strait Of Hormuz
Officials warned prosperity could arrive before the ceremonial scissors clear customs.
Alabama Schedules Special Primary After Map Successfully Completes Obstacle Course
The approved districts were issued tiny lanyards and warned not to wander into Congress.
Wall Street Files Ceasefire Extension As Approved Inflation Distraction
Traders were reminded that record highs must be stamped before anyone opens the PCE envelope.
Congress Requests Ukraine Missiles Through Nation’s Most Complicated Office Printer
The new form reportedly requires three signatures, a court citation, and toner approval from a man named Doug.
White House Drafts Courtside Succession Plan For Possible Trump Knicks Visit
Madison Square Garden has reportedly been asked to distinguish between national security and a celebrity row seat with cupholders.
White House Issues Cage-Side Seating Chart For Birthday Governance
The protocol office reportedly classified the octagon as a temporary briefing room with more defensible corners.
Illinois Legislature Honors Durbin With Ceremonial 44-Year Roll Call
Clerks issued commemorative patience badges after the first 600 names were read into a microphone nobody adjusted.