White House Moves Camp David Meeting After Iran Peace Forms Request Fluorescents
The mountains reportedly failed a readiness inspection after producing one lectern and zero laminated escape arrows.
White House Reclassifies Camp David as Too Outdoorsy for Iran Talks
Cabinet secretaries were reportedly issued fresh lanyards after the Situation Room rejected their pine-scented briefing folders.
White House Keeps Tariffs As Trade Agreement’s Decorative Border Wall
The pact will reportedly be honored in the traditional way: framed, ignored, and billed to customs.
Iran Offers China Uranium Storage While Washington Updates Its Hold Music
Negotiators reportedly requested a chain-of-custody form, a forklift, and one senator willing to read the annex.
China Offers Tariff Relief in the Form of a Blank Clipboard
Agriculture officials were told soybeans may celebrate once Beijing releases the celebratory paperwork template.
Mortgage Rates Reclassified As National Security Briefing After Iran Jitters
The Fed reportedly issued lenders laminated threat levels ranging from “preapproved” to “move back in with your parents.”
Senate Republicans Request Iran Deal Include More Familiar Explosions
A preliminary memo warned peace could disrupt several binders labeled “Necessary Sternness.”
White House Installs Deli Counter For Kansas Endorsement Overflow
Candidates were advised that ticket numbers do not guarantee condiments, cabinet posts, or eye contact.
White House Adds Gunfire Proximity Box To Daily Briefing Calendar
The new form asks whether incoming rounds are ceremonial, legislative, or merely Times-adjacent.
White House Adds China Chair to Trump’s Iran-Pakistan Table
Negotiators reportedly labeled it “Beijing Seat, Do Not Move,” which is also the current foreign policy.