White House Orders Iran Peace Deal Laminated Before Anyone Finds Verbs
The draft memorandum reportedly achieved historic consensus on font size, tab colors, and which room would pretend to understand it.
Johnson Files Trump’s Iran Talks Under Congressional Miracle Procedure
The House reportedly printed commemorative breakthrough folders before anyone located the peace.
White House Issues Temporary Open Sign for Strait of Hormuz
The agreement is reportedly complete except for signatures, maps, and determining whether waterways accept laminated badges.
White House Adds Iran Deal To Senate’s Red Alert Binder
Republicans reportedly requested the agreement be downgraded from foreign policy to office equipment.
White House Labels Paxton Endorsement ‘Fragile,’ Ships It To Texas Runoff
The statement reportedly came with foam padding, donor-facing arrows, and a small bell for activating applause.
California Pollsters Issue Evacuation Map For Undecided Governor’s Race
Residents in toss-up precincts were advised to keep three days of bottled takes.
Ohio Senate Polls Reclassified As Hazardous Campaign Office Weather
Staff were advised to shelter under laminated cross-tabs until the next Times update passes.
House GOP Shelves Iran Restraint Vote After Clipboard Fails Loyalty Check
The whip operation reportedly downgraded constitutional war powers to an optional hallway pamphlet.
White House Drafts Phone Call Manual With Taiwan-Shaped Fire Alarm
The proposed protocol requires Trump to say hello only after three lawyers, two cartographers, and one very tired hold-music technician initial the receiver.
NATO Ministers To Receive Trump Disappointment In Laminated Alliance Folders
Rubio will reportedly deliver the message using the ceremonial binder reserved for budget threats and awkward lunch seating.