White House Says Iran Conflict Ended After Finding Congress Calendar Full
Officials described the decision as “constitutionally adjacent” and praised a new filing system that classifies wars as expired meetings.
White House Ends Iran Hostilities By Mailing Congress A Diplomatic Receipt
Officials said the operation achieved “paper-based de-escalation” after Congress was successfully exposed to a letter-shaped outcome.
Colorado Delegation Introduces Bill Declaring Wildfire “Not That Burned” After All
Measure would override president, FEMA, and basic visible reality using bold new standards for flames
Iran Warns It Might Close Strait of Hormuz, Congress Googles ‘What Is That’
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Louisiana’s Congressional Map Struck Down After Court Notices It’s Just A Crayon Drawing Of King Charles
In a landmark ruling, justices confirmed that “at least one district should contain voters who are not a fleur-de-lis.”
Trump, Putin Announce Limited-Time Ukraine Cease-Fire, Promo Code to Follow
Officials praise “historic pause in hostilities” carefully scheduled around both leaders’ personal calendars and snack breaks.
Supreme Court Tosses Louisiana Map, Demands Districts That Exist in Euclidean Space
In a 6–3 ruling, justices bravely confirm that “crayon tornado” is not a legal standard for representative democracy.
White House Demands DHS Reopen Immediately To Protect “Sacred World Cup Vibes”
Officials warn “national morale infrastructure” at risk if group stage not federally secured.
Justice Department Accidentally Files 37-Page Legal Brief Entirely in Trump CAPSLOCK
Officials say document “pushes the boundaries of legal scholarship and the shift key.”
Texas Unveils Congressional Map Shaped Like Supreme Court’s Feelings About Math
Officials say voters will “absolutely still have representation, somewhere, in theory, probably.”