Louisiana’s Congressional Map Struck Down After Court Notices It’s Just A Crayon Drawing Of King Charles

In a landmark ruling, justices confirmed that “at least one district should contain voters who are not a fleur-de-lis.”

In an opinion that experts are calling “textbook federalism with a light stroke of heatstroke,” the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday invalidated Louisiana’s revised congressional map after discovering that all six districts were technically the same straight line labeled “TRUMP BOULEVARD.”

The 6–3 decision, issued under the case name Everyone v. Whatever This Is, found that the map’s reliance on a single, wobbling Sharpie mark “failed to meaningfully relate to geography, people, or in several instances, the state of Louisiana.”

Cartography Performed By Feelings, Not Lines

According to filings, state legislators initially submitted a map featuring only one district covering “whichever neighborhoods like us on Facebook,” a second district shaped like the Supreme Court building, and a mysterious third district drawn as a full-color portrait of King Charles III riding an alligator.

“The Constitution does not recognize a ‘Royal Swamp District,’” the majority wrote, though it did concede the concept was “creatively on-brand.”

A spokesperson for the legislature insisted the design was compliant. “Each district was meticulously crafted using advanced demographic models and the ‘how straight can you draw while spinning’ TikTok filter,” said Deputy Redistricting Chair Melissa Guidry. “We got dizzy for democracy.”

“Our goal was simple: maximize representational fairness while making sure everyone we don’t like lives 400 miles offshore in District 7: The Gulf,” explained one anonymous map-drawer, who later asked if the Court would pay for his dry-erase markers.

Supreme Court Orders State To Try Using Actual State

In an extraordinary remedy, the Court has ordered Louisiana to produce a new map that “contains between five and nine shapes that: (1) are mostly within Louisiana; (2) do not intersect Disney World; and (3) are not just the word ‘NO’ written over New Orleans.”

Legal analysts say this marks the first time the Court has attached a color palette to a ruling. The opinion specifies that “crayon use is discouraged,” following evidence that the last map was drawn during a committee recess on the back of a Waffle House placemat.

“The legislature must understand that ‘looks fair from space’ is not an accepted legal standard,” said a visibly exhausted election-law professor. “You cannot submit an Instagram filter as an exhibit.”

State officials, however, remain upbeat. “The Supreme Court has given us clarity,” said Louisiana’s Redistricting Communications Director, standing beside a PowerPoint slide titled MAP 3.0: NOW WITH ROADS. “Our next draft will be guided by the Voting Rights Act, public input, and a fun new ‘Which Parish Are You?’ BuzzFeed quiz.”

Asked whether the revised plan might finally create a second district where Black voters have a real chance to elect their preferred candidate, one lawmaker replied, “We are reviewing that important feedback and will see if it fits inside whatever shape the governor can draw before lunch.”

As of press time, the legislature was reportedly testing a compromise: one district for voters, one district for donors, and four reserved for pending Supreme Court appeals.

Reality Check

The Supreme Court has struck down Louisiana’s latest congressional district map. The dispute centers on whether the map complies with the Voting Rights Act and provides fair representation, particularly for Black voters. Lawmakers will likely have to redraw the map again under court supervision. The rest of this article is satire and does not describe real events or statements.

Image credit: Lara Jameson — source. Show a visible credit link to Pexels on the site.