Iran Warns It Might Close Strait of Hormuz, Congress Googles ‘What Is That’

A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.

In a rare display of unity, lawmakers agreed the situation is “gravely concerning” and also “probably somewhere near Guam.”

With tensions rising in the Persian Gulf, Iran’s parliament speaker announced plans to use control of the Strait of Hormuz to push out U.S. forces—triggering an immediate, bipartisan response from Congress: a closed-door emergency briefing titled, “So, Uh, Where Exactly Is Hormuz Again?”

According to staffers, House and Senate members were shown a world map and asked to “circle the Strait of Hormuz.” Findings were sealed, but one aide confirmed “a surprising number of circles around Lake Michigan.”

“We take this threat seriously,” said Sen. Marjorie Kell (R–Somewhere Coastal, Allegedly). “Once we determine whether Hormuz is a country, a bay, or a type of hummus, rest assured, we will issue a very strongly worded press release.”

Congress Launches Operation ‘Freedom of Navigation, Once We Find It’

Within hours, congressional leadership announced the formation of the Bipartisan Task Force on Whatever Iran Just Said (BTFWIJS), charged with delivering a clear, actionable strategy sometime between the next recess and the next fundraiser.

The Pentagon, attempting to brief lawmakers, used a simple slide: “Strait of Hormuz: Where 20% of the World’s Oil Transits.” This was immediately followed by a second slide reading, “No, You Can’t ‘Just Go Around It.’”

“If Iran blocks the Strait, it could disrupt global oil markets, U.S. naval operations, and—most importantly—my constituents’ ability to fill their boats for Lake Weekend,” said Rep. Todd Cramer (D–Suburban Grilling District). “This is basically Pearl Harbor but for jet skis.”

“We’re exploring all options, including sanctions, diplomacy, and asking the Supreme Court if this is their problem somehow.” — senior Senate aide

New Sanctions to Specifically Target Geography

In a joint statement, House and Senate leaders unveiled a comprehensive response plan centered on the American government’s strongest tool: performative legislation with an aggressive acronym.

The HORMUZ Act (Helping Our Resources Move Unimpeded Zonewide) would, among other provisions, condemn “any attempt by Iran to restrict maritime traffic, interfere with global commerce, or make members of Congress look ignorant during cable news hits.”

As part of the bill, Congress also demanded that Iran “immediately cease any control over the Strait” and “relocate it to a more convenient and less geopolitically stressful location, preferably near international waters we already feel confident mispronouncing.”

“America will not be intimidated,” declared Speaker of the House Don Halpern. “If Iran closes the Strait of Hormuz, we will respond with the full force of multiple overlapping committees and a strongly bipartisan sense of vague unease.”

Meanwhile, a leaked internal memo from the National Security Council urged calm: “The situation is serious but manageable, provided no member of Congress tries to explain it on live television without first being shown the map at least three times.”

Reality Check

In reality, Iran’s parliament speaker recently suggested that Iran’s control over the Strait of Hormuz could be used to challenge or end the U.S. presence in the region. The Strait of Hormuz is a key maritime chokepoint through which a large share of global oil shipments pass. U.S.–Iran tensions over shipping lanes and military presence in the Gulf have flared periodically for years. This article is satire and exaggerates U.S. political reactions for comedic effect.

Image credit: Fariborz MP — source. Show a visible credit link to Pexels on the site.