Treasury Prepares Tiny Ribbon-Cutting For Reopened Strait Of Hormuz
Officials warned prosperity could arrive before the ceremonial scissors clear customs.
White House Memo Declares Trump Healthy Enough To Outlive Printer Toner
The wellness update reportedly received a cleaner rollout than most subpoenas.
Trump Aides Install Diplomatic Turn Signal For China-Taiwan Tightrope
The Senate requested blinkers too, after mistaking cross-strait stability for a parking rule.
Skill Games Ask Supreme Court Whether Losing Primary Was Playable
Judges are expected to decide whether a losing campaign counts as a malfunction, a feature, or a lobbyist refund.
Congress Requests Ukraine Missiles Through Nation’s Most Complicated Office Printer
The new form reportedly requires three signatures, a court citation, and toner approval from a man named Doug.
White House Keeps Tariffs As Trade Agreement’s Decorative Border Wall
The pact will reportedly be honored in the traditional way: framed, ignored, and billed to customs.
China Offers Tariff Relief in the Form of a Blank Clipboard
Agriculture officials were told soybeans may celebrate once Beijing releases the celebratory paperwork template.
White House Adds Gunfire Proximity Box To Daily Briefing Calendar
The new form asks whether incoming rounds are ceremonial, legislative, or merely Times-adjacent.
Trump Orders AI Oversight Memo To Apologize In Writing
The White House reportedly gave the document a visitor badge, then revoked it for insufficient flattery.
White House Orders Iran Peace Deal Laminated Before Anyone Finds Verbs
The draft memorandum reportedly achieved historic consensus on font size, tab colors, and which room would pretend to understand it.