White House Memo Declares Trump Healthy Enough To Outlive Printer Toner

The wellness update reportedly received a cleaner rollout than most subpoenas.

The White House’s latest memo declaring Trump in excellent health was routed through communications, legal review, and a copier named Resolute, which reportedly jammed only once before approving the president’s cholesterol in triplicate.

Staff then issued laminated “Excellent Health” badges to aides, tourists, and one confused court reporter from New York, creating a wellness credential now considered more stable than most congressional calendars.

“The vitals are fine; the rollout has a pulse,” said one fictional messaging expert.

The memo’s chart room has since added tabs for Iran, China, and printer maintenance, because no administration wants foreign policy separated from a clean bill of toner.

Context

The Straits Times reported that a White House memo said Trump remains in excellent health.

Photo: RDNE Stock project