White House Upgrades Trump’s Physical To Cabinet-Level Fitness Event
Staff were issued color-coded wellness lanyards after the doctor’s note achieved infrastructure status.
White House Weighs Bricklin Revival As Official Tariff Escape Vehicle
A fictional draft memo classifies gull-wing doors as “bilateral market access panels.”
White House Memo Declares Trump Healthy Enough To Outlive Printer Toner
The wellness update reportedly received a cleaner rollout than most subpoenas.
Alabama Schedules Special Primary After Map Successfully Completes Obstacle Course
The approved districts were issued tiny lanyards and warned not to wander into Congress.
Senate Republicans Request Iran Deal Include More Familiar Explosions
A preliminary memo warned peace could disrupt several binders labeled “Necessary Sternness.”
White House Installs Deli Counter For Kansas Endorsement Overflow
Candidates were advised that ticket numbers do not guarantee condiments, cabinet posts, or eye contact.
White House Assigns Octagon Protocol After UFC Event Fails Civics Check
The Senate requested a bell, three flags, and a committee room that can be hosed down between votes.
White House Labels Paxton Endorsement ‘Fragile,’ Ships It To Texas Runoff
The statement reportedly came with foam padding, donor-facing arrows, and a small bell for activating applause.
White House Issues Bill Cassidy A Lame-Duck Hazard Vest
Staffers reportedly added him to the same wall chart used for court dates, Senate math, and unexplained New York Times printouts.
California Pollsters Issue Evacuation Map For Undecided Governor’s Race
Residents in toss-up precincts were advised to keep three days of bottled takes.