Iran Warns It Might Close Strait of Hormuz, Congress Googles ‘What Is That’
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Lithuania Eager To Join U.S. Strait Of Hormuz Mission, Still Looking For Boat
Officials say the Baltic nation is “fully prepared to defend global shipping, pending someone explaining where it is and how to get there.”
Trump, Putin Announce Limited-Time Ukraine Cease-Fire, Promo Code to Follow
Officials praise “historic pause in hostilities” carefully scheduled around both leaders’ personal calendars and snack breaks.
Trump Tells Iran to ‘Get Smart Soon’ As White House Launches Global IQ Audit
Officials confirm entire foreign policy now based on vibes, pop quizzes, and port blockades scored like standardized tests.
Trump Welcomes King Charles To White House, Accidentally Recognizes Monarchy Over Congress
Sources say protocol staff now treating House of Representatives as “backup king factory” in case this one breaks.
Trump, King Charles Accidentally Sign “Joint Custody” Deal For White House Lawn
Witnesses say ceremony shifted when everyone realized both men believe they legally own the concept of grass.
Pelosi Urges ‘Common-Sense Dress Code Reform’ After WHCD Shooting Panic
Lawmakers vow to ensure next year’s Correspondents’ Dinner is “only emotionally violent.”
Trump White House Briefly Unsure If Spain Is “A Real NATO”
Officials nearly suspended country after discovering it speaks wrong language, is not Ohio.