Congress Discovers Ukraine Vote Button Hidden Under Stack Of Caution Memos
A procedural memo warned that continued action could normalize the dangerous precedent of Congress conducting business.
White House Says Iran’s Missiles Are ‘Mostly Theoretical’ Unless Televised
Aides introduced a new threat scale ranging from “fake news” to “please ask the Senate later.”
White House Prints Laminated Menu For Trump-Xi Bargaining Session
Taiwan was moved from entrées to “items requiring supervisor approval” after a tense interagency tasting.
Trump Plans To Put Xi On Hold Until Iran Behaves
The proposed strategy reportedly includes tariffs, flattery, and a speakerphone nobody in Beijing asked to join.
Trump Orders Peace Proposal Reviewed Under Newly Created Bombing Maybe Protocol
White House officials said the Iran plan would be judged on sincerity, font size, and whether it interferes with previously scheduled escalation.
Trump Raises Car Tariff Threat, White House Establishes Emergency Glovebox Court
Officials said the new process will determine which imported vehicles are “economically hostile” by checking whether they look expensive near Wisconsin.
Mills Campaign Suspended After Budget Found Living In Glove Compartment
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
U.S. Declares Shipping Straits A Board Game, Immediately Loses Rulebook
Officials say the new maritime strategy will contain China, reassure allies, and finally give Congress a map it can argue over incorrectly.
Supreme Court Reclassifies Voting Rights Act As Optional Housekeeping Binder
The ruling reportedly allows Congress to continue functioning as a representative democracy-themed escape room.
Colorado Delegation Introduces Bill Declaring Wildfire “Not That Burned” After All
Measure would override president, FEMA, and basic visible reality using bold new standards for flames