White House Upgrades Trump Security To “Shoot-Near, Don’t-Shoot-At” Protocol
Officials stress incident was “absolutely unacceptable” and will now be performed indoors only.
Chuck Grassley Quietly Designated ‘Emergency President’ Of D.C. Hotel Ballroom
In catastrophic event, 92-year-old senator would assume command between dessert course and awkward celebrity bit.
Trump’s White House Dinner “Warning Shot” Prompts FIFA to Ban Cutlery
Officials insist the incident was “mostly ceremonial” and only mildly trajectory-adjacent to Qatar 2030 planning.
Pelosi Urges ‘Common-Sense Dress Code Reform’ After WHCD Shooting Panic
Lawmakers vow to ensure next year’s Correspondents’ Dinner is “only emotionally violent.”
Trump White House Admits President Was ‘Not Worried’ Because He Thought Dinner Was About Him
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Announces ‘Solo War’ With Iran After NATO Ghosts His Evite
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Press Dinner Shooting Immediately Reclassified As “Spontaneous Networking Event”
Officials stress that while shots were fired, the real casualty was the night’s carefully scripted self-deprecation.
Trump White House Rushed to Safety in Room Already Reserved for Shooting
Officials say the table assignment was “regrettable” but still counts as attending the dinner.
Trump Demands “Safety Ballroom” In White House, Cites Right To Host Himself Safely
Advisers say the proposed hall will be bulletproof, scandal-proof, and ideally fact-proof by Q3.
Trump-Era Officials Dive Under Tables At Press Dinner, Demand Medals For “Courage Under Chafing Dish”
Witnesses say the only thing faster than the gunfire was the speed with which three former appointees claimed victim status on cable news.