Supreme Court Tosses Louisiana Map, Demands Districts That Exist in Euclidean Space
In a 6–3 ruling, justices bravely confirm that “crayon tornado” is not a legal standard for representative democracy.
Trump Hosts Emergency Oil Summit To Decide Which War Is ‘Good For Gas Prices’
Executives reportedly reassured by White House pledge to “let the market, and possibly several countries, sort it out.”
King Charles Gifts Biden ‘HMS Trump’ Bell, Accidentally Invokes Maritime Coup Clause
White House assures public it is “99% confident” they did not just christen a floating monarchy in the South Lawn fountain.
White House Demands DHS Reopen Immediately To Protect “Sacred World Cup Vibes”
Officials warn “national morale infrastructure” at risk if group stage not federally secured.
Justice Department Accidentally Files 37-Page Legal Brief Entirely in Trump CAPSLOCK
Officials say document “pushes the boundaries of legal scholarship and the shift key.”
Trump Welcomes King Charles To White House, Accidentally Recognizes Monarchy Over Congress
Sources say protocol staff now treating House of Representatives as “backup king factory” in case this one breaks.
China Politely Asks U.S. To Stop Punching Itself In The Tariffs
Diplomats urge Washington to “put down the economic rake” after Supreme Court bonks Trump-era trade war on the nose.
Trump, King Charles Accidentally Sign “Joint Custody” Deal For White House Lawn
Witnesses say ceremony shifted when everyone realized both men believe they legally own the concept of grass.
Texas Unveils Congressional Map Shaped Like Supreme Court’s Feelings About Math
Officials say voters will “absolutely still have representation, somewhere, in theory, probably.”
White House Correspondents’ Dinner Deploys ‘Active Shooter Chic’ Crisis Dress Code
Organizers reassure guests that while security failed, the vibes remain “black-tie resilient.”