White House Correspondents’ Dinner Briefly Rebrands as “Attempted Assassination Gala”
Organizers apologize that a man tried to kill Trump but stress the real tragedy was everyone going off-script.
Trump Unveils 50% “Feelings-Based” Tariff for Any Country He’s Mad At
In a historic first, U.S. trade policy will now be pegged directly to one man’s indoor voice volume.
Trump Rushed to Safety After Joke About Him Lands, Promptly Declared “Active Laugher Situation”
Witnesses say chaos began when room experienced first spontaneous applause not pre-approved by campaign.
Trump Cancels Pakistan Peace Trip After Learning It’s ‘Not Near Mar-a-Lago’
White House insists abrupt move is “long-planned,” “deeply strategic,” and “definitely not because someone said the word homework.”
Trump Tariffs Reappear Like Unwanted Subscription, Confuse Supreme Court, Delight Betting Apps
Prediction markets now treat Supreme Court rulings as polite suggestions from a distant book club.
Trump Dispatches Surprise Envoys to Pakistan After Iran Politely Ghosts Him
White House says the “world’s most unpredictable president” simply exploring new countries to be ignored by.
Trump White House Briefly Unsure If Spain Is “A Real NATO”
Officials nearly suspended country after discovering it speaks wrong language, is not Ohio.
Trump Reportedly Still Investigating “Who Approved” The 2011 WHCD Jokes About Him
Sources say former president keeps relitigating roast as if it’s a Supreme Court case preview that could overturn comedy itself.
US Sanctions Tiny Chinese ‘Teapot’ Refinery, Citing Threat To Vast, Fragile Ego
In a bold new chapter of energy diplomacy, Washington has officially declared war on artisanal oil.
Trump Tariffs Continue After Supreme Court Ruling, Now Determined Solely by His Mood Ring
Economists warn the global trading system is being “fully indexed to vibes” while prediction markets beg for a color legend.