White House Insists Iran Begged for Talks, Cites “Vibe-Based Intelligence”
Press Secretary unveils bold new foreign policy doctrine: if it would have been flattering for us, it probably happened.
Trump Sends Real-Estate Guy and Son-in-Law to Pakistan to “Freestyle” Iran Peace Plan
White House assures nation the mission is “deeply unconventional, and that’s the only part we’ve thought through.”
Trump to Attend WH Correspondents’ Dinner, Promises To “Boo the Press Respectfully”
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Italy Reportedly Volunteers to Play as Iran in 2026 World Cup Mix‑Up
White House insists it’s “respecting soccer diversity” while accidentally redrawing both FIFA brackets and NATO
China Asks U.S. And Iran To Pause Hostilities While It Finishes Awkward Group Project
Diplomats confirm Beijing “really can’t deal with this fight right now” because it’s in the middle of having it both ways at historic scale.
Trump Claims Seized Iran Cargo Ship Was “Mystery Gift From China”
International Community Unsure Which Is Scarier: Escalating Tensions or His Re-Gift Policy
Iran’s Supreme Leader Enters Full-Scale Meme War With Trump, Pentagon Activates “Reply Guy” Protocol
Analysts confirm this is the first international crisis conducted entirely in platforms nobody’s staffers can explain to their grandparents.
Trump Promises ‘Everlasting’ Iran Deal, Advisers Panic Over Need To Live Forever
Sources say White House considering “Weekend at Bernie’s diplomacy” to honor pledge in perpetuity.
Alaska Senate Polls Show Tight Three-Way Race With Moose, Glacier
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Announces Drug Price Deal That Mostly Discounts Press Releases
Administration hails “historic savings on adjectives,” Americans may soon afford reading about medicine they still can’t buy.