White House Accuses China Of Stealing AI, Forcing U.S. To Finally Read Its Own Code
Officials warn this is “industrial-scale theft” of technology America has been confidently copy-pasting from Stack Overflow since 2013.
Psychedelic Fast-Track: White House Wants FDA to Trip at Warp Speed
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Congress Quietly Launches “Scandal Off‑Ramp” Pilot Program, Traffic Backed Up to K Street
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Unveils NATO ‘Naughty or Nice’ Scorecard, Promises Data‑Driven Sulking
Allies will now be ranked somewhere between “Strategic Sweetheart” and “Disappointment With Flag,” bringing scientific precision to transatlantic passive-aggression.
White House Accuses China Of Stealing U.S. AI, Forcing Nation To Finally Read Its Own Code
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Unveils “Pay‑Per‑View Peace Plan” After Iran Hits Three Ships
White House offers Iran promo code ‘STRATEGIC’ for 10% off next crisis escalation
Supreme Court To Decide If Trump Tariffs Are Legally Just “Vibes”
Justices to determine whether U.S. trade policy requires evidence, strategy, or merely a sharpie and an emotion.
Trump Expands ‘Economic Fury’ On Iran To Include Groupon, Astrology Apps
White House claims multi-front sanctions will strike “where millennials feel it most: slightly worse discount codes.”
Trump Heads to Chinese Trade Hub, Inspires Emergency “Tariff Tourism” Industry
Local sellers now offer VIP access to his mood swings, pending visa approval.
White House Classifies Iranian Strikes Near Strait as ‘Vibe-Adjacent Event’
Officials say situation is “concerning but not, like, calendar-blocking,” as Pentagon updates threat level from “red” to “let’s just see how this plays out.”