Trump Demands “Safety Ballroom” In White House, Cites Right To Host Himself Safely
Advisers say the proposed hall will be bulletproof, scandal-proof, and ideally fact-proof by Q3.
Trump-Era Officials Dive Under Tables At Press Dinner, Demand Medals For “Courage Under Chafing Dish”
Witnesses say the only thing faster than the gunfire was the speed with which three former appointees claimed victim status on cable news.
White House Correspondents’ Dinner Briefly Rebrands as “Attempted Assassination Gala”
Organizers apologize that a man tried to kill Trump but stress the real tragedy was everyone going off-script.
Trump Rushed to Safety After Joke About Him Lands, Promptly Declared “Active Laugher Situation”
Witnesses say chaos began when room experienced first spontaneous applause not pre-approved by campaign.
Trump Cancels Pakistan Peace Trip After Learning It’s ‘Not Near Mar-a-Lago’
White House insists abrupt move is “long-planned,” “deeply strategic,” and “definitely not because someone said the word homework.”
Trump Dispatches Surprise Envoys to Pakistan After Iran Politely Ghosts Him
White House says the “world’s most unpredictable president” simply exploring new countries to be ignored by.
Trump White House Briefly Unsure If Spain Is “A Real NATO”
Officials nearly suspended country after discovering it speaks wrong language, is not Ohio.
Trump Reportedly Still Investigating “Who Approved” The 2011 WHCD Jokes About Him
Sources say former president keeps relitigating roast as if it’s a Supreme Court case preview that could overturn comedy itself.
White House Insists Iran Begged for Talks, Cites “Vibe-Based Intelligence”
Press Secretary unveils bold new foreign policy doctrine: if it would have been flattering for us, it probably happened.
Trump Sends Real-Estate Guy and Son-in-Law to Pakistan to “Freestyle” Iran Peace Plan
White House assures nation the mission is “deeply unconventional, and that’s the only part we’ve thought through.”