White House Drafts Emergency Protocol for Heaven-Authorized Ballroom Construction
The proposed guidance reportedly asks agencies to distinguish routine procurement from direct celestial seating-chart requirements.
White House Reassures Taiwan With Map Labeled ‘Complicated Friendship Area’
After Trump’s China trip, aides clarified U.S. policy by pointing to three arrows, two footnotes, and a coffee stain.
Parliamentarian Rules White House Moat Alligators Not Budget-Relevant Security
The ruling leaves federal planners with only gates, guards, and a color-coded spreadsheet labeled Please Do Not Breach.
White House Issues Summit Fatigue Index After Trump-China Meeting
The new metric reportedly classifies presidential strain as “manageable, visible, or audible through a closed conference-room door.”
Trump Orders Washington Makeover After Declaring Federal Beige Insufficiently Loyal
The redesign reportedly includes a Situation Room swatch wall and emergency hearings on whether marble can salute.
White House Files China Assurance Under ‘Probably Helpful If True’
A new interagency memo asks staff to treat the reported pledge as foreign policy, pending translation, confirmation, and someone locating the folder.
Trump And Xi Agree Hormuz Strait May Remain Unblocked, For Now
The White House celebrated the rare diplomatic breakthrough by reminding Congress that waterways are not currently subject to Senate holds.
White House Prepares Trump-Xi Meeting With Emergency Compliment Inventory
The Senate was placed on standby to translate any phrase containing “very strong” into policy.
White House Packs Emotional Support Senate For Trump’s China Trip
Aides hope congressional dysfunction will make Beijing’s negotiating table feel more familiar.
White House Says Iran’s Missiles Are ‘Mostly Theoretical’ Unless Televised
Aides introduced a new threat scale ranging from “fake news” to “please ask the Senate later.”