Senate GOP Drops Ballroom Security After Velvet Rope Scores Higher
A draft memo found the rope cheaper than cameras and less likely to testify in court.
Judge Orders White House To Stop Filing History Under Miscellaneous
Staff reportedly responded by labeling every drawer “presidential-ish” and asking the Senate for a receipt stamp.
Senate Finds White House Ballroom Security Optional If Velvet Rope Works
A draft memo suggests the chandelier can be protected by asking democracy to dance elsewhere.
Democrats Introduce Cuba Leash Bill After White House Buys Bigger Map
The proposed restraint mechanism includes a Senate timer, a court-adjacent clipboard, and sternly worded snacks.
White House Orders Cadets To Treat Vance Speech As Flight Training
The Class of 2026 will log one hour of simulated turbulence after encountering the civilian chain of command at cruising altitude.
White House Ballroom Reclassified as Drone-Proof Formal Military Complex
Guests will reportedly pass through three security rings before being cleared to waltz near the republic.
White House Rebrands Drake TikTok Edit as Emergency Youth Policy
The Senate requested a briefing after the bass drop appeared to outpoll several pending bills.
Trump Debuts Healthcare Discount Card Valid Only During Applause Breaks
The White House described the program as affordable, portable, and unlikely to survive first contact with the Senate printer.
White House Opens Loyalty Reimbursement Window After IRS Lawsuit Exit
The new program reportedly offers allies relief from the hardship of having supported the president without a dedicated reimbursement portal.
White House Adds Iran Crisis To Trump’s Post-China Loyalty Card
The itinerary reportedly includes a small box to be stamped after each major power is alarmed in sequence.