White House Prepares Trump-Xi Meeting With Emergency Compliment Inventory
The Senate was placed on standby to translate any phrase containing “very strong” into policy.
White House Packs Emotional Support Senate For Trump’s China Trip
Aides hope congressional dysfunction will make Beijing’s negotiating table feel more familiar.
White House Says Iran’s Missiles Are ‘Mostly Theoretical’ Unless Televised
Aides introduced a new threat scale ranging from “fake news” to “please ask the Senate later.”
White House Packs China Trip Binder With Iran War Tab Enlarged
The delegation reportedly added a “Please Discuss Carefully” sticker after staff determined “world war escalation” was too long for the label maker.
White House Drafts Emergency Order Asking Cattle To Show Patriotism
The plan treats hamburger supply as a constitutional question, with brisket now awaiting possible Supreme Court review.
Trump Nominates Mastriano To Slovakia, Senate Orders Emergency Atlas
The White House called it a foreign-policy move, while half of Washington began quietly checking whether Slovakia has primaries.
White House Places New Zealand Lamb On Emergency Tariff Watch
A provisional memo warns that unregulated chops could weaken America’s negotiating posture before dinner.
Thune Says Billion-Dollar White House Moat Is Just Basic Adulting
The Senate also asked whether the drawbridge could be bipartisan if both parties got blamed for delays.
Trump Declares National Unity After Fans Agree On NFL Complaint
The White House celebrated the rare consensus by creating a task force to determine which grievance should become federal policy.
Trump Switches Golf Loyalty, White House Activates Cart-Based Continuity Plan
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.