Trump Debuts Healthcare Discount Card Valid Only During Applause Breaks
The White House described the program as affordable, portable, and unlikely to survive first contact with the Senate printer.
White House Opens Loyalty Reimbursement Window After IRS Lawsuit Exit
The new program reportedly offers allies relief from the hardship of having supported the president without a dedicated reimbursement portal.
West Virginia Senate Installs Flood Gauge Under Smith’s Power Chair
The emergency retention plan classifies leadership challenges as weather events with colleagues attached.
White House Adds Iran Crisis To Trump’s Post-China Loyalty Card
The itinerary reportedly includes a small box to be stamped after each major power is alarmed in sequence.
White House Drafts Emergency Protocol for Heaven-Authorized Ballroom Construction
The proposed guidance reportedly asks agencies to distinguish routine procurement from direct celestial seating-chart requirements.
White House Reassures Taiwan With Map Labeled ‘Complicated Friendship Area’
After Trump’s China trip, aides clarified U.S. policy by pointing to three arrows, two footnotes, and a coffee stain.
Parliamentarian Rules White House Moat Alligators Not Budget-Relevant Security
The ruling leaves federal planners with only gates, guards, and a color-coded spreadsheet labeled Please Do Not Breach.
White House Issues Summit Fatigue Index After Trump-China Meeting
The new metric reportedly classifies presidential strain as “manageable, visible, or audible through a closed conference-room door.”
Trump Orders Washington Makeover After Declaring Federal Beige Insufficiently Loyal
The redesign reportedly includes a Situation Room swatch wall and emergency hearings on whether marble can salute.
White House Files China Assurance Under ‘Probably Helpful If True’
A new interagency memo asks staff to treat the reported pledge as foreign policy, pending translation, confirmation, and someone locating the folder.