Trump Brings Coupon Binder To Xi Meeting As Inflation Strategy
The Beijing agenda also includes war, tariffs, and a laminated card reading “ask China if eggs are negotiable.”
White House Packs Inflation, FDA Vacancy For Trump’s China Trip
The administration reportedly classified the economy as “carry-on turbulence” and asked the Senate not to shake the overhead bins.
Trump Brings Tariff Punch Cards to China Talks, Confusing Diplomats
The Senate requested receipts, the court requested definitions, and America requested a chair near the exit.
Washington Declares Gold Narrative Emergency After China Ruins Inflation Talking Point
Officials said the precious metal’s decision to become a liquidity story has created “unacceptable message discipline conditions” across the Senate, court system, and several cable news green rooms.
Trump Announces Emergency Tariff Relief for Scottish Whisky to Strengthen ‘Anglo-American Happy Hour Alliance’
Move reportedly designed to honor King Charles, calm markets, and secure better drink deals at future state dinners.
Trump Unveils ‘Feelings-Based Tariff’ Plan, Canada Braces For Emotional Sanctions
In a bold economic maneuver, the U.S. will now tax imports based on whether Donald Trump “gets a weird vibe” from another country’s labour practices.
Trump Unveils 50% “Feelings-Based” Tariff for Any Country He’s Mad At
In a historic first, U.S. trade policy will now be pegged directly to one man’s indoor voice volume.
Trump Heads to Chinese Trade Hub, Inspires Emergency “Tariff Tourism” Industry
Local sellers now offer VIP access to his mood swings, pending visa approval.
Trump’s China Strategy Now Just Vibes, Tariffs, and Hoping Xi Ghosts First
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
America’s Only Accredited Circus School Shuts Down, Congress Offers to Fill Skills Gap
Nation alarmed to learn clowns, jugglers, and tightrope walkers will now be trained exclusively by the U.S. political system.