Trump Plans To Put Xi On Hold Until Iran Behaves
The proposed strategy reportedly includes tariffs, flattery, and a speakerphone nobody in Beijing asked to join.
Trump Brings Iran Talking Points Printed on Supreme Court Docket
White House aides labeled the folder “China.com” so it would survive the flight.
Trump’s China Summit Derailed After Iran War Invites Itself To Dinner
Diplomats reportedly prepared three seating charts, two cease-fire euphemisms, and one emergency binder labeled “Do Not Let Him Improvise.”
Trump Asks Beijing To Help With Iran, Receives Laminated Ocean Diagram
Officials described the trip as routine diplomacy, except for the emergency binder titled “Please Make the Strait Behave.”
White House Treats Quiet Hormuz Strait As Hostile Calendar Invite
Officials said the absence of immediate chaos left senior aides “deeply operational” and forced three agencies to invent a measurable form of waiting.
U.S. Sanctions Nine Firms, Deploys Emergency Spreadsheet Cart to Asia
Officials said the action targeted alleged Iran-linked military procurement, then spent three hours reassuring Congress the cart was not a new branch of government.
Markets Await Iran Data, China Talks, And Treasury’s Emergency Feelings Binder
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Declares 72-Hour Ceasefire Historic Enough To Need Gift Shop
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Opens Crisis Room For Iran-China Handshake Scheduling Disaster
Officials stressed the situation remains under control, except for the maps, the calendar, and three senators currently arguing with a printer.
Iran Sends Diplomat To China As Washington Misplaces Hormuz Panic Binder
Officials confirmed the Trump-Xi meeting has been upgraded from “sensitive diplomacy” to “everyone stop touching the strait map.”