Trump Announces Strait Of Hormuz Rescue Plan, Immediately Forms Boat Feelings Task Force
The White House says stranded ships will be guided to safety using “maritime confidence, laminated maps, and several very important phone calls.”
White House Opens Strait Of Hormuz Help Desk After Trump Shipping Post
Officials described the move as a “major maritime customer-experience initiative” and asked Congress not to touch anything near the big map.
White House Classifies Maher Dinner Fallout As Tableware-Level Emergency
Officials said the Oval Office can survive war, recession, and Congress, but “awkward dinner follow-up posting” remains an untested constitutional hazard.
White House Celebrates Market Rally By Accidentally Stress-Testing Strait Of Hormuz
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Declares Hormuz “Basically Fixed” After Posting Maritime Suggestion
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
U.S. Forms Emergency Line Committee After China Masters Tourism Brochure
Officials warned that America’s global influence may now depend on whether airport kiosks can stop asking visitors to “insert card again.”
Treasury Says Iran Economy Now Choking On Officially Laminated Pressure Schedule
Officials said the sanctions rollout is so orderly that Congress has requested a court-appointed adult to explain it in crayon.
Trump Switches Golf Loyalty, White House Activates Cart-Based Continuity Plan
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Orders Peace Proposal Reviewed Under Newly Created Bombing Maybe Protocol
White House officials said the Iran plan would be judged on sincerity, font size, and whether it interferes with previously scheduled escalation.
Trump Raises Car Tariff Threat, White House Establishes Emergency Glovebox Court
Officials said the new process will determine which imported vehicles are “economically hostile” by checking whether they look expensive near Wisconsin.