White House Accuses China Of Stealing U.S. AI, Forcing Nation To Finally Read Its Own Code
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Unveils “Pay‑Per‑View Peace Plan” After Iran Hits Three Ships
White House offers Iran promo code ‘STRATEGIC’ for 10% off next crisis escalation
Supreme Court To Decide If Trump Tariffs Are Legally Just “Vibes”
Justices to determine whether U.S. trade policy requires evidence, strategy, or merely a sharpie and an emotion.
Trump Expands ‘Economic Fury’ On Iran To Include Groupon, Astrology Apps
White House claims multi-front sanctions will strike “where millennials feel it most: slightly worse discount codes.”
Trump Heads to Chinese Trade Hub, Inspires Emergency “Tariff Tourism” Industry
Local sellers now offer VIP access to his mood swings, pending visa approval.
White House Classifies Iranian Strikes Near Strait as ‘Vibe-Adjacent Event’
Officials say situation is “concerning but not, like, calendar-blocking,” as Pentagon updates threat level from “red” to “let’s just see how this plays out.”
White House Urges Iran To ‘Respond As One,’ Forgets U.S. Has Congress
Officials clarify they are searching for unity “somewhere on Earth, anywhere, please.”
United Airlines CEO Assures Nation Merger ‘Purely Emotional,’ No Planes Involved
White House vows to “monitor the vibes very closely” as stock market panic-buys comfort animals.
White House Unveils NATO ‘Naughty or Nice’ List, Assures Allies It’s “Purely Scientific”
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Declares Supreme Court Illegitimate After Discovering Math, Constitution Still Exist
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.