White House Declines Iran Comment, Deploys Emergency Silence Coordinator
Officials said the non-response had been reviewed by lawyers, laminated, and placed between tariffs and “supreme court vibes” on the president’s crisis shelf.
House Speaker Johnson Declares U.S. Not at War with Iran, Appoints Committee to Study ‘What War Even Is’
In related news, the Senate has begun a panel to define breathing.
Trump’s DIY Iran Blockade Forces China Trip Into Full-Scale Scenic Detour
White House insists “going the long way around the planet” is a bold new doctrine of peace through unnecessary layovers.
Iran Warns It Might Close Strait of Hormuz, Congress Googles ‘What Is That’
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Tells Iran to ‘Get Smart Soon’ As White House Launches Global IQ Audit
Officials confirm entire foreign policy now based on vibes, pop quizzes, and port blockades scored like standardized tests.
Trump Hosts Emergency Oil Summit To Decide Which War Is ‘Good For Gas Prices’
Executives reportedly reassured by White House pledge to “let the market, and possibly several countries, sort it out.”
Trump Welcomes King Charles To White House, Accidentally Recognizes Monarchy Over Congress
Sources say protocol staff now treating House of Representatives as “backup king factory” in case this one breaks.
Trump Announces ‘Solo War’ With Iran After NATO Ghosts His Evite
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Unveils 50% “Feelings-Based” Tariff for Any Country He’s Mad At
In a historic first, U.S. trade policy will now be pegged directly to one man’s indoor voice volume.
Trump Cancels Pakistan Peace Trip After Learning It’s ‘Not Near Mar-a-Lago’
White House insists abrupt move is “long-planned,” “deeply strategic,” and “definitely not because someone said the word homework.”