Markets Await Iran Data, China Talks, And Treasury’s Emergency Feelings Binder
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Declares 72-Hour Ceasefire Historic Enough To Need Gift Shop
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Supreme Court Asks Intern To Locate Anti-Trump Corruption Lever
Officials said the device may be behind the velvet curtain, beneath the Senate’s dignity, or accidentally filed under “Times We Meant To Act.”
Trump China Visit Triggers Emergency Protocol for Oversized Diplomatic Furniture
Officials insisted the summit remained under control after aides classified the trip as “two elephants dancing near a tray of antique glass tariffs.”
Rubio Meets Pope Leo As White House Deploys Emergency Apology Binder
Officials said the Vatican rift had been “contained to one hemisphere” after aides located the laminated humility tabs.
Trump Classifies Hormuz Clash as Minor Trifling, Activates Deal Confetti
The White House said the Strait of Hormuz situation has been moved from “international incident” to “someone got fresh near the boats.”
Trump Rebrands Iran Strikes As Affectionate Foreign Policy Contact Event
The White House clarified that the operation was “not war,” but rather “a kinetic courtesy notification delivered at missile speed.”
White House Adds Tech CEOs To Trump China Trip, Declares Backup Nation
Officials said Nvidia and Apple executives were invited to provide “commercial ballast” in case diplomacy became too lightweight to survive the flight.
White House Prepares Lula Visit With Emergency Compliment Containment Plan
Officials say the Brazil meeting will proceed only after every adjective in the building is pre-cleared by Legal, Protocol, and a man holding a laminated map.
White House Opens Crisis Room For Iran-China Handshake Scheduling Disaster
Officials stressed the situation remains under control, except for the maps, the calendar, and three senators currently arguing with a printer.