Trump Pauses Strait Plan, China Schedules Emergency Adult-Supervision Meeting
Officials described the Beijing talks as “routine diplomacy,” which in Washington now means at least three agencies are hiding under a conference table.
Congress Receives China Port Fee Plan, Immediately Misplaces the Harbor
A steel-backed trade push reached Capitol Hill, where lawmakers vowed to protect American industry by scheduling seven hearings and one ceremonial forklift.
Trump Declares China Tensions Solved After Staff Prints Xi Friendship Card
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Allies Convene Senior-Voter Fire Drill After Sabatini Campaign Detonates
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Announces Strait Of Hormuz Rescue Plan, Immediately Forms Boat Feelings Task Force
The White House says stranded ships will be guided to safety using “maritime confidence, laminated maps, and several very important phone calls.”
White House Classifies Maher Dinner Fallout As Tableware-Level Emergency
Officials said the Oval Office can survive war, recession, and Congress, but “awkward dinner follow-up posting” remains an untested constitutional hazard.
White House Celebrates Market Rally By Accidentally Stress-Testing Strait Of Hormuz
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Declares Hormuz “Basically Fixed” After Posting Maritime Suggestion
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Weighs Germany Troop Cuts, Pentagon Opens NATO Feelings Desk
Officials said the possible drawdown was not a retreat, but “a strategic relocation of anxiety closer to the viewer.”