Alabama Speaker Reportedly Asks Supreme Court To Misplace Citizenship Clause
Officials described the constitutional renovation as routine housekeeping, like tariffs for sentences Montgomery no longer wishes to import.
U.S. Sanctions Nine Firms, Deploys Emergency Spreadsheet Cart to Asia
Officials said the action targeted alleged Iran-linked military procurement, then spent three hours reassuring Congress the cart was not a new branch of government.
Trump Declares 72-Hour Ceasefire Historic Enough To Need Gift Shop
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Adds Tech CEOs To Trump China Trip, Declares Backup Nation
Officials said Nvidia and Apple executives were invited to provide “commercial ballast” in case diplomacy became too lightweight to survive the flight.
White House Opens Crisis Room For Iran-China Handshake Scheduling Disaster
Officials stressed the situation remains under control, except for the maps, the calendar, and three senators currently arguing with a printer.
Trump Fitness Award Relaunch Triggers Federal Sit-Up Readiness Alert
The White House says the revived school fitness honor will restore national strength by making children touch their toes under controlled historical conditions.
Supreme Court Delays Election Day Ruling After Calendar Files Emergency Brief
Officials said the nation’s scheduling system remains “operational but emotionally unavailable” while Washington waits to learn when democracy is supposed to happen.
White House Announces Hormuz Fix After Misplacing Iran Memo In Court
Officials said the shipping crisis was “substantially resolved” once everyone agreed not to ask the same question twice.
China Prepares Trump-Xi Iran Talks With Emergency Placemat Diplomacy
Officials described Beijing’s latest foreign policy push as “serious regional stabilization,” then immediately requested a laminated seating chart with blast-radius annotations.
White House Says Trump Is “Readable,” Issues Israel Laminated Guessing Chart
Officials insisted a regional war deal was “near,” provided everyone involved understood that “near” now means legally, emotionally, and cartographically flexible.