Supreme Court Asks Intern To Locate Anti-Trump Corruption Lever
Officials said the device may be behind the velvet curtain, beneath the Senate’s dignity, or accidentally filed under “Times We Meant To Act.”
Trump China Visit Triggers Emergency Protocol for Oversized Diplomatic Furniture
Officials insisted the summit remained under control after aides classified the trip as “two elephants dancing near a tray of antique glass tariffs.”
Rubio Meets Pope Leo As White House Deploys Emergency Apology Binder
Officials said the Vatican rift had been “contained to one hemisphere” after aides located the laminated humility tabs.
Trump Classifies Hormuz Clash as Minor Trifling, Activates Deal Confetti
The White House said the Strait of Hormuz situation has been moved from “international incident” to “someone got fresh near the boats.”
Trump Rebrands Iran Strikes As Affectionate Foreign Policy Contact Event
The White House clarified that the operation was “not war,” but rather “a kinetic courtesy notification delivered at missile speed.”
White House Prepares Lula Visit With Emergency Compliment Containment Plan
Officials say the Brazil meeting will proceed only after every adjective in the building is pre-cleared by Legal, Protocol, and a man holding a laminated map.
Washington Declares Gold Narrative Emergency After China Ruins Inflation Talking Point
Officials said the precious metal’s decision to become a liquidity story has created “unacceptable message discipline conditions” across the Senate, court system, and several cable news green rooms.
Iran Sends Diplomat To China As Washington Misplaces Hormuz Panic Binder
Officials confirmed the Trump-Xi meeting has been upgraded from “sensitive diplomacy” to “everyone stop touching the strait map.”
Supreme Court Delays Election Day Ruling, Places Calendar Under Protective Custody
Officials said the nation’s dates remain operational but should avoid making eye contact with November until further notice.
Trump’s Midwest Flex Triggers Emergency Senate Muscle-Assessment Protocol
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.