U.S. Declares Shipping Straits A Board Game, Immediately Loses Rulebook
Officials say the new maritime strategy will contain China, reassure allies, and finally give Congress a map it can argue over incorrectly.
Trump Announces Emergency Tariff Relief for Scottish Whisky to Strengthen ‘Anglo-American Happy Hour Alliance’
Move reportedly designed to honor King Charles, calm markets, and secure better drink deals at future state dinners.
Trump’s DIY Iran Blockade Forces China Trip Into Full-Scale Scenic Detour
White House insists “going the long way around the planet” is a bold new doctrine of peace through unnecessary layovers.
Trump ‘Liberty Gong’ From King Charles Accidentally Triggers New Cold War Subcommittee
Analysts say the bell’s chime frequency, diplomatic symbolism, and resale value on eBay all pose “grave, but monetizable” national security concerns.
Trump Unveils ‘Feelings-Based Tariff’ Plan, Canada Braces For Emotional Sanctions
In a bold economic maneuver, the U.S. will now tax imports based on whether Donald Trump “gets a weird vibe” from another country’s labour practices.
Trump, Putin Announce Limited-Time Ukraine Cease-Fire, Promo Code to Follow
Officials praise “historic pause in hostilities” carefully scheduled around both leaders’ personal calendars and snack breaks.
Trump Announces ‘Solo War’ With Iran After NATO Ghosts His Evite
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Unveils 50% “Feelings-Based” Tariff for Any Country He’s Mad At
In a historic first, U.S. trade policy will now be pegged directly to one man’s indoor voice volume.
US Sanctions Tiny Chinese ‘Teapot’ Refinery, Citing Threat To Vast, Fragile Ego
In a bold new chapter of energy diplomacy, Washington has officially declared war on artisanal oil.
China Asks U.S. And Iran To Pause Hostilities While It Finishes Awkward Group Project
Diplomats confirm Beijing “really can’t deal with this fight right now” because it’s in the middle of having it both ways at historic scale.