White House Classifies Iranian Strikes Near Strait as ‘Vibe-Adjacent Event’
Officials say situation is “concerning but not, like, calendar-blocking,” as Pentagon updates threat level from “red” to “let’s just see how this plays out.”
White House Urges Iran To ‘Respond As One,’ Forgets U.S. Has Congress
Officials clarify they are searching for unity “somewhere on Earth, anywhere, please.”
United Airlines CEO Assures Nation Merger ‘Purely Emotional,’ No Planes Involved
White House vows to “monitor the vibes very closely” as stock market panic-buys comfort animals.
White House Unveils NATO ‘Naughty or Nice’ List, Assures Allies It’s “Purely Scientific”
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Declares Supreme Court Illegitimate After Discovering Math, Constitution Still Exist
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump’s Ballroom Defense Accidentally Declassifies Existence of Even Fancier Bunker
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Accuses China of ‘Regifting’ Iran, Demands Store Credit on Foreign Policy
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Extends Iran Ceasefire After Pakistan Forwards Unified Proposal to His Facebook DMs
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Ohio Polls Show Senate Race a Three‑Way Tie Between Candidate, Other Candidate, and Furious Shrug
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Florida Lawmaker Resigns Seconds Before Ethics Hearing, Cites Sudden Need To Be Anywhere Else
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.