White House Assigns Octagon Protocol After UFC Event Fails Civics Check
The Senate requested a bell, three flags, and a committee room that can be hosed down between votes.
White House Labels Paxton Endorsement ‘Fragile,’ Ships It To Texas Runoff
The statement reportedly came with foam padding, donor-facing arrows, and a small bell for activating applause.
White House Issues Bill Cassidy A Lame-Duck Hazard Vest
Staffers reportedly added him to the same wall chart used for court dates, Senate math, and unexplained New York Times printouts.
White House Deems Trump’s Skipped Don Jr. Wedding Essential Infrastructure
Aides reportedly filed the RSVP under “constitutional bride-side incapacity” and moved the boutonniere to pending legislation.
House GOP Shelves Iran Restraint Vote After Clipboard Fails Loyalty Check
The whip operation reportedly downgraded constitutional war powers to an optional hallway pamphlet.
White House Drafts Phone Call Manual With Taiwan-Shaped Fire Alarm
The proposed protocol requires Trump to say hello only after three lawyers, two cartographers, and one very tired hold-music technician initial the receiver.
Ex-White House Lawyers Prompt New Oval Office Abuse Sign-Out Sheet
The form requires two signatures, one court citation, and a small box labeled “probably China.”
Trump Delays Refrigerant Rules After Air Conditioner Files Formal Complaint
White House aides framed the rollback as kitchen-table relief, then asked if the table had a compressor.
White House Reclassifies IRS Audits As Decorative Paperwork For Presidents
The new policy places Form 1040 under the jurisdiction of whichever aide can find the biggest shredder.
Senate GOP Drops Ballroom Security After Velvet Rope Scores Higher
A draft memo found the rope cheaper than cameras and less likely to testify in court.