Trump Hosts Emergency Oil Summit To Decide Which War Is ‘Good For Gas Prices’
Executives reportedly reassured by White House pledge to “let the market, and possibly several countries, sort it out.”
Justice Department Accidentally Files 37-Page Legal Brief Entirely in Trump CAPSLOCK
Officials say document “pushes the boundaries of legal scholarship and the shift key.”
China Politely Asks U.S. To Stop Punching Itself In The Tariffs
Diplomats urge Washington to “put down the economic rake” after Supreme Court bonks Trump-era trade war on the nose.
Texas Unveils Congressional Map Shaped Like Supreme Court’s Feelings About Math
Officials say voters will “absolutely still have representation, somewhere, in theory, probably.”
White House Correspondents’ Dinner Deploys ‘Active Shooter Chic’ Crisis Dress Code
Organizers reassure guests that while security failed, the vibes remain “black-tie resilient.”
White House Upgrades Trump Security To “Shoot-Near, Don’t-Shoot-At” Protocol
Officials stress incident was “absolutely unacceptable” and will now be performed indoors only.
Chuck Grassley Quietly Designated ‘Emergency President’ Of D.C. Hotel Ballroom
In catastrophic event, 92-year-old senator would assume command between dessert course and awkward celebrity bit.
Trump’s White House Dinner “Warning Shot” Prompts FIFA to Ban Cutlery
Officials insist the incident was “mostly ceremonial” and only mildly trajectory-adjacent to Qatar 2030 planning.
Pelosi Urges ‘Common-Sense Dress Code Reform’ After WHCD Shooting Panic
Lawmakers vow to ensure next year’s Correspondents’ Dinner is “only emotionally violent.”
Trump White House Admits President Was ‘Not Worried’ Because He Thought Dinner Was About Him
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.