Congress Receives China Port Fee Plan, Immediately Misplaces the Harbor
A steel-backed trade push reached Capitol Hill, where lawmakers vowed to protect American industry by scheduling seven hearings and one ceremonial forklift.
Trump Declares China Tensions Solved After Staff Prints Xi Friendship Card
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Senate Bill Treats Trump Ballroom As Supreme Court With Chandeliers
Officials said the proposed $1 billion security package is necessary to protect America’s most constitutionally sensitive dance floor from napkin-based threats.
White House Creates Seven-Boat Task Force To Prevent Eighth Boat Panic
Officials said the measure will ensure future maritime escalations are handled by a laminated chart, three deputy czars, and one former press secretary on Australian television.
White House Issues Laminated Apology Maps Ahead of Democratic Congress
Staffers were reportedly trained to identify subpoenas, committee chairs, and the exact facial expression used when saying “we welcome oversight.”
White House Quietly Orders Eight-Year Checkout Extension Forms For Trump
Aides said the paperwork is not a third-term plan, merely a “long-duration departure experience” requiring court, Senate, and possibly china cabinet coordination.
White House Lockdown Triggers Monument’s Emergency Ego-Containment Protocol
Officials said the brief security scare was handled swiftly, except for the Washington Monument, which was immediately placed on a “do not encourage” list.
White House Unveils Trump’s Iran Strategy As Laminated Casino Hand
Officials said the display was not a threat, but “a structured visual deterrent with rounded corners.”
Trump Allies Convene Senior-Voter Fire Drill After Sabatini Campaign Detonates
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Bessent Asks China To Handle Iran While U.S. Locates Its Clipboard
Officials described the request as “strategic burden-sharing,” then quietly admitted the burden was a flaming regional crisis in a conference tote bag.