Colorado Delegation Introduces Bill Declaring Wildfire “Not That Burned” After All

Measure would override president, FEMA, and basic visible reality using bold new standards for flames

In a bold display of bipartisan crisis management, Colorado’s congressional delegation has introduced the Wildfire Reclassification and Feelings Harmonization Act, a bill designed to override the president’s denial of disaster aid by simply declaring the state’s fifth-largest wildfire “less of a bummer than previously reported.”

The president had rejected federal disaster assistance on the grounds that the blaze, which consumed hundreds of thousands of acres, “did not rise to the level of me feeling like signing something right now.” Colorado lawmakers responded with the only rational option in modern governance: rewriting federal law to force the executive branch to look at the drone footage.

Congress Moves Quickly, Which Is Itself a Constitutional Crisis

Alarmed by the unprecedented spectacle of Congress doing something in under six to eight years, staffers rushed to draft a bill that would tie future disaster declarations to “observable fire-ness” rather than “vibes at the White House.”

“Under our bill, a wildfire is considered a ‘major disaster’ if it is visible from space, interrupts ski season, or forces at least one governor to hold a press conference in a North Face jacket,” explained one Colorado senator while standing in front of a still-smoldering hillside and a banner that read, in all caps, “SEEMS PRETTY BAD.”

The legislation also creates a new federal position, the Wildfire Denial Review Czar, whose sole responsibility is to walk the president to a window and say, “That. Right there.”

“We are not trying to embarrass the president,” clarified a House member. “We’re just providing him with an opportunity to be legally required to admit that orange glowing thing is extremely on fire.”

Fifth-Largest Fire Faces Ranking Bias

Administration officials defended the initial denial, insisting the blaze “failed to clear the psychological bar of being first, second, or at least a podium fire.” Internal guidance reportedly classifies disasters by whether they can be turned into a commemorative hat.

“Look, it’s number five,” said an anonymous senior aide. “At that point it’s basically an off-brand inferno. Are we supposed to throw a whole FEMA at every mid-tier blaze with no merchandising angle?”

The Colorado delegation’s bill directly challenges this ranking bias, prohibiting the executive branch from saying, “We’ve seen worse,” while residents are still actively hosing down their mailboxes.

“If it burns your house, it counts,” said one lawmaker. “You shouldn’t need to compete with four more famous tragedies to get a generator.”

In a concession to fiscal conservatives, the bill also allows states to accept disaster aid in the form of store credit at the National Park Service gift shop, or a commemorative coin featuring the words, “SORRY ABOUT THE FIFTH ONE.”

Should the measure pass, lawmakers expect a swift response from the White House, followed by an even swifter signing of a new bill correcting the response to the bill about the response to the fire, which staff are already pre-drafting under the title, “Let’s Pretend This Was The Plan All Along Act.”

If that fails, Colorado’s delegation stands ready with a final option: introducing a resolution formally rebranding the blaze as “America’s #1 Patriotic Freedom Fire,” in the hope that the president will approve anything in first place.

Reality Check

Colorado experienced its fifth-largest wildfire, and the president denied the state’s request for federal disaster assistance. In response, members of Colorado’s congressional delegation have introduced legislation to override that denial and secure aid. The real debate centers on how federal disaster thresholds are interpreted and who gets to make that call. The rest of this article is satire.

Image credit: Brett Sayles — source. Show a visible credit link to Pexels on the site.