In related news, the Senate has begun a panel to define breathing.
Measure would override president, FEMA, and basic visible reality using bold new standards for flames
Officials say the Baltic nation is “fully prepared to defend global shipping, pending someone explaining where it is and how to get there.”
In a landmark ruling, justices confirmed that “at least one district should contain voters who are not a fleur-de-lis.”
Officials confirm entire foreign policy now based on vibes, pop quizzes, and port blockades scored like standardized tests.
In a 6–3 ruling, justices bravely confirm that “crayon tornado” is not a legal standard for representative democracy.
Executives reportedly reassured by White House pledge to “let the market, and possibly several countries, sort it out.”
White House assures public it is “99% confident” they did not just christen a floating monarchy in the South Lawn fountain.
Officials warn “national morale infrastructure” at risk if group stage not federally secured.
Officials say document “pushes the boundaries of legal scholarship and the shift key.”