White House Drafts Emergency Protocol for Heaven-Authorized Ballroom Construction
The proposed guidance reportedly asks agencies to distinguish routine procurement from direct celestial seating-chart requirements.
White House Reassures Taiwan With Map Labeled ‘Complicated Friendship Area’
After Trump’s China trip, aides clarified U.S. policy by pointing to three arrows, two footnotes, and a coffee stain.
Parliamentarian Rules White House Moat Alligators Not Budget-Relevant Security
The ruling leaves federal planners with only gates, guards, and a color-coded spreadsheet labeled Please Do Not Breach.
Cassidy Asks Louisiana GOP To Grade Trump Impeachment On Curve
His fictional campaign’s new strategy separates policy positions into “before conviction” and “please stop booing” binders.
White House Issues Summit Fatigue Index After Trump-China Meeting
The new metric reportedly classifies presidential strain as “manageable, visible, or audible through a closed conference-room door.”
Supreme Court Declines Virginia Appeal, Democrats Discover Emergency Campaign Exits
Operatives described the ruling as a court calendar event that somehow became a group unsubscribe button.
Trump Orders Washington Makeover After Declaring Federal Beige Insufficiently Loyal
The redesign reportedly includes a Situation Room swatch wall and emergency hearings on whether marble can salute.
Cohen Exit Triggers Emergency Storage Plan for Unused Campaign Buttons
A preliminary memo recommends preserving the signs in case Congress later needs evidence that campaigning once occurred voluntarily.
White House Files China Assurance Under ‘Probably Helpful If True’
A new interagency memo asks staff to treat the reported pledge as foreign policy, pending translation, confirmation, and someone locating the folder.
Senate Asked To Stop Glowering At China During Trump-Xi Meeting
A new peace memo warns that prolonged congressional squinting could be mistaken for foreign policy.