Cassidy Asks Louisiana GOP To Grade Trump Impeachment On Curve

His fictional campaign’s new strategy separates policy positions into “before conviction” and “please stop booing” binders.

Sen. Bill Cassidy’s re-election campaign has entered the most delicate phase of Louisiana Republican politics: explaining a past Trump impeachment vote to voters who remember it with the precision of Supreme Court clerks and the patience of a cable news panel trapped on MSN autoplay.

In this fictional campaign reset, Cassidy aides unveiled a “Loyalty Clarification Tour,” a statewide effort to convince Republican primary voters that voting to convict Trump was not disloyalty, but rather “procedural enthusiasm expressed at the wrong volume.”

The Apology Primary

The campaign’s first stop reportedly featured a folding table, three flags, and a laminated chart titled “Times I Agreed With Trump, Excluding That One Time Everyone Keeps Mentioning.” Attendees were invited to place stickers beside acceptable explanations, including “constitutional duty,” “Washington brain fog,” and “I thought the vote was symbolic, like a House ethics referral.”

“The senator is not running from his record,” said a fictional campaign adviser. “He is jogging beside it while asking whether everyone would prefer to discuss China.”

The event briefly stalled when a voter asked whether Cassidy regretted the vote. Campaign staff responded by lowering a screen that displayed the word “context” in 72-point font while a brass band played loudly enough to prevent follow-up questions.

Court Confusion Meets Campaign Math

Republican strategists described Cassidy’s path as a narrow legal corridor between Trump-era loyalty tests, Louisiana’s factional politics, and the mysterious court of public opinion, which has no filing deadline but does allow unlimited objections from men wearing campaign hats indoors.

One proposed ad shows Cassidy walking past a courthouse, a church, and a crawfish boil while saying he has “always respected the process,” without identifying which process. Another version replaces the courthouse with a pickup truck after focus groups found “court” reminded voters of paperwork, judges, and cable segments about the Supreme Court that begin before anyone has had coffee.

For now, the campaign appears focused on one message: Cassidy is conservative, experienced, and willing to revisit any previous sentence if it contains the word “convict.”

Context

Bill Cassidy, a Republican senator from Louisiana, voted to convict Donald Trump during Trump’s second impeachment trial after the Jan. 6 Capitol attack. Cassidy is now seeking re-election in a state where Trump remains highly influential among Republican voters, making that vote a central issue in his campaign.

Photo: Edmond Dantès