Trump Plans To Put Xi On Hold Until Iran Behaves
The proposed strategy reportedly includes tariffs, flattery, and a speakerphone nobody in Beijing asked to join.
Trump Brings Iran Talking Points Printed on Supreme Court Docket
White House aides labeled the folder “China.com” so it would survive the flight.
Trump Declares National Unity After Fans Agree On NFL Complaint
The White House celebrated the rare consensus by creating a task force to determine which grievance should become federal policy.
Trump Switches Golf Loyalty, White House Activates Cart-Based Continuity Plan
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Orders Peace Proposal Reviewed Under Newly Created Bombing Maybe Protocol
White House officials said the Iran plan would be judged on sincerity, font size, and whether it interferes with previously scheduled escalation.
Trump Raises Car Tariff Threat, White House Establishes Emergency Glovebox Court
Officials said the new process will determine which imported vehicles are “economically hostile” by checking whether they look expensive near Wisconsin.
Mills Campaign Suspended After Budget Found Living In Glove Compartment
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Congress Opens Inquiry Into FIFA Congress For Impersonating Congress During World Cup
Lawmakers said the soccer body’s use of “Congress” created unacceptable brand confusion at a time when America’s own Congress was already struggling to locate itself.
Trump Activates Kentucky Senate Dropout Protocol, Endorses Barr With Emergency Siren
Officials said the request was voluntary, mandatory, and “decorative,” depending on which microphone was currently closest.
Trump’s Iran War Hands China Asia’s Most Depressing Gift Basket
Officials insisted the diplomatic setback was “not a loss of influence” but “a large-scale regional free sample.”