Congressional Republicans Give Trump Iran War Performance Review, Demand Snack Timeline
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Declares Imported Décor Exempt From Tariff Patriotism Audit
Officials said the foreign-made items were not imports but “internationally sourced expressions of domestic strength.”
U.S. Declares Shipping Straits A Board Game, Immediately Loses Rulebook
Officials say the new maritime strategy will contain China, reassure allies, and finally give Congress a map it can argue over incorrectly.
Trump Declares Iran Matter “Administratively Over,” Congress Receives Decorative Deadline
The White House said lawmakers were fully consulted via “vibes, headlines, and one extremely confident folder.”
White House Says Iran Conflict Ended After Finding Congress Calendar Full
Officials described the decision as “constitutionally adjacent” and praised a new filing system that classifies wars as expired meetings.
White House Ends Iran Hostilities By Mailing Congress A Diplomatic Receipt
Officials said the operation achieved “paper-based de-escalation” after Congress was successfully exposed to a letter-shaped outcome.
White House Declines Iran Comment, Deploys Emergency Silence Coordinator
Officials said the non-response had been reviewed by lawyers, laminated, and placed between tariffs and “supreme court vibes” on the president’s crisis shelf.
Supreme Court Reclassifies Voting Rights Act As Optional Housekeeping Binder
The ruling reportedly allows Congress to continue functioning as a representative democracy-themed escape room.
House Speaker Johnson Declares U.S. Not at War with Iran, Appoints Committee to Study ‘What War Even Is’
In related news, the Senate has begun a panel to define breathing.
Trump Announces Emergency Tariff Relief for Scottish Whisky to Strengthen ‘Anglo-American Happy Hour Alliance’
Move reportedly designed to honor King Charles, calm markets, and secure better drink deals at future state dinners.