Treasury Prints Menu After U.S. Adds Tariffs To 60 Economies
The Senate requested a clearer list, preferably one that did not require a folding chair and a cartographer.
White House Weighs Bricklin Revival As Official Tariff Escape Vehicle
A fictional draft memo classifies gull-wing doors as “bilateral market access panels.”
Treasury Prepares Tiny Ribbon-Cutting For Reopened Strait Of Hormuz
Officials warned prosperity could arrive before the ceremonial scissors clear customs.
Wall Street Files Ceasefire Extension As Approved Inflation Distraction
Traders were reminded that record highs must be stamped before anyone opens the PCE envelope.
White House Keeps Tariffs As Trade Agreement’s Decorative Border Wall
The pact will reportedly be honored in the traditional way: framed, ignored, and billed to customs.
Mortgage Rates Reclassified As National Security Briefing After Iran Jitters
The Fed reportedly issued lenders laminated threat levels ranging from “preapproved” to “move back in with your parents.”
Trump Brings Coupon Binder To Xi Meeting As Inflation Strategy
The Beijing agenda also includes war, tariffs, and a laminated card reading “ask China if eggs are negotiable.”
Trump Announces Emergency Tariff Relief for Scottish Whisky to Strengthen ‘Anglo-American Happy Hour Alliance’
Move reportedly designed to honor King Charles, calm markets, and secure better drink deals at future state dinners.
Trump Unveils ‘Feelings-Based Tariff’ Plan, Canada Braces For Emotional Sanctions
In a bold economic maneuver, the U.S. will now tax imports based on whether Donald Trump “gets a weird vibe” from another country’s labour practices.
Trump Unveils 50% “Feelings-Based” Tariff for Any Country He’s Mad At
In a historic first, U.S. trade policy will now be pegged directly to one man’s indoor voice volume.