Trump Orders Peace Proposal Reviewed Under Newly Created Bombing Maybe Protocol
White House officials said the Iran plan would be judged on sincerity, font size, and whether it interferes with previously scheduled escalation.
Trump Raises Car Tariff Threat, White House Establishes Emergency Glovebox Court
Officials said the new process will determine which imported vehicles are “economically hostile” by checking whether they look expensive near Wisconsin.
Mills Campaign Suspended After Budget Found Living In Glove Compartment
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Congress Opens Inquiry Into FIFA Congress For Impersonating Congress During World Cup
Lawmakers said the soccer body’s use of “Congress” created unacceptable brand confusion at a time when America’s own Congress was already struggling to locate itself.
Trump Activates Kentucky Senate Dropout Protocol, Endorses Barr With Emergency Siren
Officials said the request was voluntary, mandatory, and “decorative,” depending on which microphone was currently closest.
Trump’s Iran War Hands China Asia’s Most Depressing Gift Basket
Officials insisted the diplomatic setback was “not a loss of influence” but “a large-scale regional free sample.”
Supreme Court Weighs Cisco Case, Accidentally Invents Customer Service Sovereignty
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Congressional Republicans Give Trump Iran War Performance Review, Demand Snack Timeline
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Declares Imported Décor Exempt From Tariff Patriotism Audit
Officials said the foreign-made items were not imports but “internationally sourced expressions of domestic strength.”
U.S. Declares Shipping Straits A Board Game, Immediately Loses Rulebook
Officials say the new maritime strategy will contain China, reassure allies, and finally give Congress a map it can argue over incorrectly.