White House Says Iran’s Missiles Are ‘Mostly Theoretical’ Unless Televised
Aides introduced a new threat scale ranging from “fake news” to “please ask the Senate later.”
White House Packs Inflation, FDA Vacancy For Trump’s China Trip
The administration reportedly classified the economy as “carry-on turbulence” and asked the Senate not to shake the overhead bins.
Alabama Schedules Special Election Before Congressional Map Learns Its Districts
Campaigns are preparing yard signs with dotted lines, just in case the court asks for edits.
White House Packs China Trip Binder With Iran War Tab Enlarged
The delegation reportedly added a “Please Discuss Carefully” sticker after staff determined “world war escalation” was too long for the label maker.
White House Drafts Emergency Order Asking Cattle To Show Patriotism
The plan treats hamburger supply as a constitutional question, with brisket now awaiting possible Supreme Court review.
Trump Nominates Mastriano To Slovakia, Senate Orders Emergency Atlas
The White House called it a foreign-policy move, while half of Washington began quietly checking whether Slovakia has primaries.
Trump Brings Tariff Punch Cards to China Talks, Confusing Diplomats
The Senate requested receipts, the court requested definitions, and America requested a chair near the exit.
White House Places New Zealand Lamb On Emergency Tariff Watch
A provisional memo warns that unregulated chops could weaken America’s negotiating posture before dinner.
Thune Says Billion-Dollar White House Moat Is Just Basic Adulting
The Senate also asked whether the drawbridge could be bipartisan if both parties got blamed for delays.
Trump Books China Trip as CEO Field Trip During Iran War
The itinerary treats geopolitics as a quarterly earnings call with missiles in the background.