Trump Hosts Emergency Oil Summit To Decide Which War Is ‘Good For Gas Prices’

Executives reportedly reassured by White House pledge to “let the market, and possibly several countries, sort it out.”

In a closed-door session described by participants as “deeply unserious but fiscally intriguing,” former President Donald Trump on Wednesday convened top oil executives at the White House to openly workshop which level of Iran war would best “stabilize energy markets while keeping things spicy for shareholders.”

The meeting, officially titled the “Strategic Hydrocarbon & Limited Apocalypse Roundtable,” was called in response to concerns that rising tensions with Iran could disrupt oil supply, global stability, and—most urgently—quarterly earnings calls.

White House Unveils ‘Conflict Slider’ Tool

According to a leaked briefing memo, aides presented a new “Conflict Intensity Slider,” a laminated chart ranging from 1 (“sternly worded tweet”) to 10 (“full cinematic universe reboot of the Middle East”). Executives were reportedly asked to point at the number that “feels bullish but not, you know, war-weariness-bad.”

“We’re looking for that sweet spot between humanitarian concern and record dividends,” said one senior administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity because his name is on all of the PowerPoints. “Think ‘limited regional chaos with upside.’”

One oil CEO, emerging briefly to check if his driver had found better parking for the motorcade of matching black SUVs, said, “We’re not here to influence foreign policy. We’re here to provide neutral, data-driven suggestions on which cities should or should not exist next quarter.”

“This isn’t about profiteering from war,” insisted a White House energy adviser. “It’s about ensuring that when terrible things happen, they happen with robust investor confidence.”

New Task Force To Study If Sanctions Count As Green Energy

To reassure the public, the administration announced the creation of the Bipartisan Commission on Responsible War-Themed Market Adjustments, which will “examine the sustainability implications of blowing up supply chains instead of drilling new wells.”

The commission’s draft report, obtained by Political Chaos, concludes that “targeted international crises may function as a form of demand-side management,” and recommends that future wars include a carbon-offset link in the official press release.

“Sanctions are basically renewable energy if you squint at the spreadsheet,” explained the commission’s chair. “The oil’s still in the ground; it’s just angrier.”

At the close of the summit, attendees received commemorative “I Survived the Energy Fallout” lapel pins and a limited-edition chart showing projected crude prices at various levels of global panic.

When asked if regular Americans would have any voice in decisions affecting their gas prices and geopolitical safety, one participant paused. “Absolutely,” he said. “They will be heard loud and clear in our consumer sentiment focus groups.”

Sources say the group plans to reconvene next month to consider “emerging opportunities” in the event Congress accidentally sanctions the entire planet.

Reality Check

The real news: Reports say Donald Trump met with oil executives at the White House to discuss energy market fallout from escalating tensions and conflict involving Iran. Such meetings typically focus on potential disruptions to oil supply, pricing, and policy responses. The satirical article above exaggerates this into a fictional “war optimization” summit and invented commissions for comedic effect. No evidence suggests executives were literally selecting conflict levels or cities as portrayed here.

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